A few of my million-odd readers took exception to my calling our President a “moron.” One of my more aggressive critics said if I hadn’t seen his tax returns, how could I possibly have seen his IQ scores?
True, to a degree. But scholars have other means beyond checking test scores to arrive at their sound conclusions; in addition to circumstantial evidence there is direct evidence—in this case the testimony of Trump’s close associates who worked with him in governing and should know him best.
Yes, time for some scholarship. So I’m donning my academic robes again and invoking my status as Professor Emeritus to settle, through research, whether Donald J. Trump is indeed a moron.
I will employ the scientific method in my research. Sound science, as you know, relies on accurate measurement, and therefore I will use the Stanford-Binet Fifth Edition classifications...with one exception: In the lower reaches of the scale I will use the older classifications (Idiot, Imbecile, Moron, etc.) in place of the politically correct verbiage substituted in the 1960s. Why? Because our best witnesses—those associates (mostly former associates) who have worked with the president in close proximity over time—use that outdated nomenclature in their appraisals. The hybrid scale looks like this:
IQ Range Classification
145-160 Very Gifted or Highly Advanced (Genius)
130-144 Gifted or Very Advanced
110-119 High Average
71-89 Low Average (Dull Normal*)
*Previous nomenclature that my study subjects use.
Let’s start our inquiry with the president’s own self-evaluation; he above all should surely know himself. His self-assessment is a “very stable genius.” We accept his word on it and assign him a base score of 150, a consensus figure for genius status. The fact that he is “stable” would not add any points to the score; it refers to temperament, not intelligence. Normally the adjective “very” would raise the score ten points to 160, but that would put our president at parity with Albert Einstein, and I’m reasonably sure he would not be so immodest as to put himself on a plane with the greatest physicist of the Twentieth Century. So to be fair, we’ll split the difference and add another five points, bringing us to an IQ total score of 155.
Mr. Trump claims he has a second opinion to back him up. With a proud lift of his chin, he has told the world several times that none other than Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia, agrees with him, and has branded him a genius. We were about to credit Mr. Trump with 150 points, then Putin himself came forward to correct the mistranslation of the Russian word “yarkii” that he had used to describe Trump. It can mean “bright” (but not in the sense of being intelligent), but is better translated as meaning “flamboyant.” The word may or may not be complimentary to our president, but it certainly has nothing to do with intelligence quotient. (Et tu Vlady?) Again, a description of personality, not intelligence. No points.
Let us now move back closer to home, to those who work or worked closely with Trump in what passes for governing our nation. Following are their judgments.
Steve Mnuchin, Secretary of the Treasury: Called him “An idiot.”
General John Kelly, White House Chief of Staff: Called him “An idiot.”
Reince Priebus, former Chief of Staff: Called him “An Idiot.”
Gary Cohen, former Chief Economic Advisor to the President: Mr. Cohen is prolix in his evaluation, offering such appraisals as “an idiot surrounded by clowns” and “a fucking asshole.” The noun “asshole” is mainly descriptive of Trump’s personality, not his intelligence, and will not result in a point deduction; however, the present participle “fucking” is a modifier of some negative impact and must constitute a five-point take-away from the max in the idiot range.
Rex Tillerson, former Secretary of State: A “fucking moron.” There’s that modifier again. Believing it is meant pejoratively, I will adjust the score downward from the top of the moron range.
General H. R. McMaster, National Security Advisor: An “idiot,” “dope,” with “the mind of a kindergartner.” Hard to quantify this one. I’ve taken the liberty of interpreting the “dope” and “kindergarten” references negatively and made the appropriate downward adjustments of 10 points.
Steve Bannon, Former White House Chief Strategist: “He’s like an 11-year old child.” At first, I was inclined to dismiss the judgment as not of relevance to our purpose here. But then I encountered the same evaluation again (below) and was forced to reconsider. Yes, it was giving me a mental age, which divided by the chronological age of 18 (a constant in calculating IQ) and multiplying by 100, gives you the numerical IQ, which here would be 61.
Katie Walsh, Deputy Chief of Staff: “It’s like trying to figure out what an 11-year-old child wants.” Corroboration of Bannon’s judgment.
Republican Senator Bob Corker: “The White House has become an adult day care center.” Further corroboration. Eleven-year-olds would require such care.
I believe this is a sufficient sample to begin our calculations and answer the question posed above. Is our President a moron? We’ll now add up the score from each of our participants for a sum that will then be divided by their number, like so: 155+25+25+25+20+61+15+61+61+61=509 divided by 10=50.9 rounded up to 51,which proves Donald John Trump to be, just barely, a...moron! A mere .9 points from being an imbecile, but a low-range moron nonetheless.
This learned paper should not only preserve my tenure, but emboldens me to seek a GOFUNDME so I can tackle an even greater question facing our nation: What is the IQ (average and median of course) of those Americans who voted to put a moron into the highest office in the land?
Should I succeed and get that study done, I have this feeling that those folks in Stockholm will sit up and take notice, and probably some sunny spring they’ll tell me I’ve won the prize I’ve so long deserved....