Eureka! I just found an ancient woodcut (Nostradamus’s work?) that prophesied Grand Inquisitor Robert Mueller’s current haul of witches! To date, that is. See below for identifications of those demons who have a stake already reserved for the coming bonfire festivities. Left to right:
*George (“Coffee Boy”) Papadopoulos, the president’s former and sometimes tipsy foreign policy advisor who pled guilty to lying to the FBI about interactions with Russian agents.
*Rick (“Swinging”) Gates III, a larcenous member of the president’s campaign committee and transition team, who pled guilty to conspiracy against the United States and making false statements; this junior partner to Paul Manafort ratted on his boss and testified against him in the latter’s first criminal trial.
*The infant being proffered to the central figure by Gates is thought to be Paul (“Croesus Wannabe”) Manafort, the president’s second campaign manager and suspected pipeline to Vladimir Putin by way of Ukraine; he’s been convicted of eight felonies (including bank fraud and tax evasion), and is facing another criminal trial this month.
*Michael (“The Fixer”) Cohen, the president’s former personal attorney and mobster who got religion and spilled all he knew (and that was plenty!) about presidential naughty doings, including paying off known playmates with whom the president was romantically involved. (What Cohen’s extended hand is offering is not known for sure, but is thought to be a baseborn child fathered by the president, according to a Trump Tower doorman).
*Michael (“Out-Like”) Flynn, retired Air Force Lieutenant General and briefly National Security Advisor to the president before being caught lying to the FBI; this quondam dining mate of Vladimir Putin turned on his commander-in-chief and blabbed all to Grand Inquisitor Mueller.
And who, you are wondering, is the central figure in this tableau? Yep. You guessed it. None other than Beelezeboob himself, shown here in better times. And those critters in he sky?Believed to be flying Foxes raining ideas down on his receptive head.
Wait! There’s more! Grand Inquisitor Mueller has also identified by name, and indicted, 25 Russians in his witch hunt. True, they belong to the Saint Petersburg Coven (so like the blasphemers to hide behind a saint’s name!) and will probably never feel the heat of a fire...unless they wander from Russia’s bounds on holiday and get nabbed by Interpol and extradited to you-know-where. I can hear their lamentations now: “Sheesh! That means another boring Black Sea vacation.”
Meanwhile, the implacable and unflappable Mueller proceeds in his silent, methodical way to stalk other evildoers, so far unimpeded by their spells and incantations, least of all those cast by that daffy sorcerer’s apprentice Rudy (“Fogbound”) Giuliani. Yes, our special investigator, Mueller, left free to do his duty, will root them all out. And there are many more witches fearing and trembling in DC at this very moment. (Rumor has it that Mueller may next snare one of Beelzeboob’s own sons!)
I sense some skepticism. Trumpenproles will protest that the “good men” referred to above have not practiced witchcraft as described in such seminal works as Inquisitor Heinrich Kramer’s Malleus Maleficarum (1487), or Francesco Maria Guazzo’s Compendium Maleficarum (1608); the indicted and confessed folks did not consort with wizards, attend Black Masses, dance wildly and lewdly with unclean spirits; they did not dine on unbaptized babies, kiss Satan’s anus, or faithfully keep the Witches Sabbath. Where do I come off tarring them with the word witch?
I don’t. You’ll have to check with Mr. B himself on that. He’s the one who expanded the definition of witch to include—get ready for the bombshell!—traitor. He is so smitten with his broadened definition that he complains of “witch hunts” in virtually every public utterance he makes, even as Mueller piles yet another traitor on the pyre-to-be.
Pray for their unholy souls if you will. I will not.
So, see y’all sometime between the closing of the polls in November and next spring’s Walpurgisnacht. Maybe we can celebrate by lifting a brew or two and throwing another witch on the barbie.